Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Why am I Afraid?

I have lived much of my life afraid—afraid to fail, to succeed, to do something, to do nothing, afraid of God, afraid there is no God. Somehow I came to believe evil was more the color of this world than good. I learned to fear everything because everything was evil. 

Can a universe created by God, who is good, be more evil than good? 

What was good in the world of my youth? God, the Bible, church, Christians, these were the last bastions of good in an otherwise evil world. Whose ideas of these things, whose definitions of good and evil did I receive? Did those who taught me have it all right? 

Did I learn to search for God, to seek out what is true, or did I just learn what I should say and do so God would not punish me for eternity? Did I learn to look for evil so I could hide from it, or to look for beauty to reveal God who created? Did I learn to find the good in people, or to find whatever was different and call it evil? 

Look out at this world, or into your own mind, and you will find evil, but should we not pour more fervor into our search for what is good? What good is it to ask, "Where is God?" and then go searching for devils? 

Perhaps I would be less afraid if I stopped looking for things to fear. Perhaps the question is not whether God is speaking, whether God is visible, but rather whether I am really listening and looking for God. 

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